Forget Regret
by Oxymoronic Alliteration
Summary: Death has a way of forcing us to re-examine our lives. Have all of our choices been the right ones? *Warning - Main Character Death*


I've never believed in regret. To regret something you did is the same as apologizing for it, and anyone who has ever met me knows that I consider apologizes to be a sign of weakness. As far as I'm concerned, every choice I've made was the right choice; otherwise, I wouldn't have made it. I guess others would consider that arrogant. Maybe it's that kind of arrogance that has gotten me into this situation. After all, if I hadn't been so sure that this – that everything in my life – was the right choice, I might not be lying on the street with a bullet inside of my torso.

It's funny how standing at death's door can change a person's philosophy. People say that impending death is the only thing that can make even the most headstrong atheists pray, make the most hardened criminals repent, and make the most stoic men fearful. For me, though, death has forced me to examine my life and the choices I've made leading up to this fatal moment.

What if I hadn't joined the Marine Corps? I met – and lost – many great men in my time spent with the Marines, and I learned a lot of things that have helped make me the person I am today. I don't just mean that I learned to fight and learned to shoot; I also learned first-hand how devastating war can be. I learned how to put my trust into others and have their trust given to me in return. When you have bullets and bombs flying, your life isn't just dependent on your own abilities; it's also dependent on the abilities of the men and women around you. I can assure you, there is nothing quite as nerve-racking as knowing that your mistake can cost a friend his life. People think it's the boot camps and the wars and the battles that build character in the armed forces, but it's not; it's learning to think about other people's needs before thinking of your own.

Would I be the same man I am now without my time spent in the military?

What if I hadn't married Shannon? I've always thought that the idea of soul mates was pretentious load of crap. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, though, there isn't a doubt in my mind that she was mine; every marriage I've had since her death has only concreted that in my mind. She not only gave me the most wonderful years of my life, but she also gave me a daughter as beautiful as she was. She and Kelly were the best things about my life.

Still, if we hadn't married, then she may not have witnessed the death of that Marine in the first place and she may have lived to see her children grow old. If we hadn't married, I'd have never known how hard it is to lose the two most important girls in my life. Hell, maybe I wouldn't have ruined the lives of my three ex-wives, either.

Was the loss of Shannon and Kelly worth the time spent with them?

What if I hadn't joined NCIS? If I'd ever asked anyone this, I know they would have just talked about the good I've done with the agency. I put Kyle Boone behind bars. I stopped a terrorist from assassinating the American President. I caught dirtbags – thieves, rapists, murderers – and made sure they could never hurt anyone ever again. DiNozzo's got a desk drawer full of agency awards given to me for my work. Each year they honor me with a pointless award, and each year I ignore the honor. I never needed a medal or trophy to let me know that I'd done well. I didn't do it for the recognition or awards; I did it because scum needs to be taken off the street and I was willing to do the dirty work.

I may have saved lives, but I can't ignore the lives that were lost during my time with NCIS: Chris Pacci, Kate Todd, Paula Cassidy, Jenny Shepherd, and even Brent Langer. How many of those deaths wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been with NCIS? I had brushed-off Pacci's request to look at the cold case only one day before the man was found murdered. Certainly the only reason Kate was killed was because Ari was trying to get to me. Paula and her team weren't even supposed to be working that weekend; we were supposed to be there instead, but I'd talked the Director into giving us the weekend off, and only for my own selfish reasons. Jenny, I know, had been trying to protect me in her face-off in that abandoned diner. As for Brent, would he have even been working at NCIS again if I hadn't recommended him? Would he have even gone running to the FBI if I hadn't run his ass rugged during his first year with NCIS?

Does the good I did with the agency outweigh the deaths of my fellow agents?

I know that I could re-examine my life from birth to now and second-guess every choice I've made. Maybe I'd have lived longer if I'd made different choices; maybe I'd have died young. Maybe I'd still be married; maybe I'd have remained a bachelor. Maybe I'd have gotten a safer job; maybe I'd have gone on some suicide mission. Truth is, no matter what choices I'd made in life, there's no way I could guess how my life would have turned out. I can't say that I would have been any happier or any safer or any wealthier; I can only say that my life would have been different.

In the distance, I hear the wailing of the approaching ambulance. The faces of my team float in and out of sight. I'm aware of the fact that they are speaking to me, but their voices sound so far away, I can't understand what they're saying. I do hear a voice clearly ringing in my ears. It's a soft, child-like voice that I rarely hear much anymore.

"_Come on, Daddy! We've been waiting for you!"_

I smile, my eyes closing and bringing me into a deep and much needed rest.

Even now, I have no regrets.

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